Ok

I'm just going to pretend like that didn't hurt a lot and that everything is ok.

Confession

I have a bit of a confession.

You know how I'm terrified of kissing? Yeah, I really am. Like it freaks me out a lot.

But I really miss it sometimes.

Even though the one person I've really kissed turned out to be a jerk and a player, it doesn't take away from the fact that for that moment I was the most important thing in his life. And I really miss that.

And I don't just want to kiss anyone. Not just a stage kiss, and not just a "one time" thing, either.

I want someone that I love to hold me and cherish me, and that is what kissing is to me. It's saying to that person that you wouldn't rather be anywhere else but there in their arms.

And I don't just want a quick peck on the lips either. I want a real kiss. One that is soft and lingers. One that is filled with passion and love, not just lust and desire.

I want someone to kiss me cause they think it's cute that I blush through my pale skin.
I want someone to kiss me when I'm in the middle of ranting about my day cause they can't wait to show me they still love me.
I want someone to kiss me cause they can't stand it when I say I don't think I'm pretty and they can't wait to show me they think I'm beautiful.
I want someone to kiss me because they don't ever want me to hide my smile when I laugh ever again.
I want someone to kiss me when I'm smiling because they love it more than I ever will.
I want someone to just grab me and kiss me because they love me so much they would burst if they didn't.

Every time I have another stage kiss or loose hope with another boy I just keep remembering that I'm no where near my happily ever after. Then I loose faith that it'll ever happen and I just end up crying because I'm so lost.

I just need a prince to come and kiss me awake. I just hope I'm not cursed to sleep forever.

I promised

I promised.

I promised myself I wouldn't fall for you again.

Haven't I learned from the last time, or the time before that?

You don't care for me.
I shouldn't care for you.

But I do.

I'm yelling at myself everyday to stop it, but I literally see you and your stupid face every day. So it never really works.

Especially with her now.

You care for her. It's clear. And she cares for you. She honestly does.
And I wouldn't dare step in the way of what makes you truly happy.

Cause I know it's not me.

And that's ok.

Because I promised.

Replaceable me

I'm a decent person.

Like, there's some days that I look in the mirror and I think sure, I guess someone could want to be around me. I'm a good friend. I can be cute sometimes. I'm somewhat funny.

I'm a decent person.

But then, do you ever just get around that group of people that make you feel lower than dirt?
All interactions with them are fake, empty promises.
You feel pitied, not loved.
You know there would be no difference if you weren't there.
Embraceable, but replaceable.

Embraceable, replaceable me.
That seems to be the pattern my life is taking.
People hang around me for the idea of me.
A girl who got a lot of leads.
A girl who can somewhat sing.
A girl who can dance on a good day.
A girl who can even be cute sometimes.
And then they completely ignore me once their done.

I'm an accessory. Not a person to them.

The words of Jane Eyre come to mind.

"Do you think I am an automaton? A machine without feelings?....Do you think that because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! I have as much soul as you, and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty, and much wealth, I would make it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you."

Preach it sister.

I'm just poor, obscure, plain, little me.
Used and thrown aside too many times.
Having to make decisions to leave, that people will never notice cause they didn't care that I was there.

Have fun without me.
I'm sick of feeling replaceable.

Option

His necklace is now in the memory box cause that's all he is now.

A memory.

I never wore it cause I was "his", I wore it because it gave me hope.
A glimpse of how someone could actually care about me.
A reminder that someone was thankful for me.
A reminder that now stings too much to wear around my neck.

I'm just an option.
Not option 1 or 4.
More like 47.
Just an option.
That is no one's selection.

People go through phases of thinking they want option 47, but then they always find option 48 and she's always better.
I'm just a phase.
A number.
A face.

Not me.

And why would anyone ever settle for option 47 when there's 100 others just like me.
But less depressed.
More fun to be around.
Prettier smile.
More adventurous and witty.
And smart enough to get into BYU.

I've been in so many reject piles.
And I've just been added to another one.
Sealed with a big fat "NO".

If anyone wants to search through the garbage and find option 47, go for it.
Cause she's tired of crawling through the darkness to get back out.

What I'm excited for

I'm excited for my own personal love story. For when he gets down on his knee and pours his heart out to me as he asks me to spend eternity with him. I'm excited for kissing and laughing and planning for the big day with my fiancé.

I'm excited for that day. For when I get to kneel at the alter across from him and look into his eyes and fight back tears cause wow he's mine forever. For the lines of familiar faces to talk to when all we want to do is look at each other and wonder how lucky we were to find such a wonderful match. For the first dance as a husband and wife. And for singing with my dad as he tries to not cry cause his baby girl is growing up.

I'm excited to have someone to call husband.

I'm excited for seeing the positive on the pregnancy test for the first time. The tears and laughter and happiness and fear and excitement that follows that.

I'm excited for my growing belly to run into everything. For being teased by my husband for not being able to see my toes or pick up a sock I dropped. For feeling my little person grow and kick and cram my organs into my ribs because it means that they're alive.

I'm excited for rushing to the hospital and yelling at him to speed up cause wow it hurts but him just smiling at me and holding my hand cause he knows I'm just scared.

I'm excited for holding our baby for the first time. All my squeezing his hand has made his sore, but out little baby grabs his finger and he forgets all about his sore hand. We look into each others eyes and can't imagine being any happier.

I'm excited for the sleepless nights. We're miserable because we can't sleep a wink without our baby screaming, but we're laughing from trying to keep each other awake by throwing pillows at each others faces. And we keep falling in love with our little human every time we get to hold them and rock them to sleep.

I'm excited for endless days caring for my little angel. Learning more and more about eternal perspective and patience with each passing day. I'm excited for family dinners, bed time stories, and lullaby's.

I'm excited to see who my little human turns out to be. To see if they have their daddy's face or their mommy's eyes. To see if they have curly or straight hair, pale skin, my nose or his smile, and all the little features that will make them so unique and beautiful. To see if they're brave like I never was, or too shy to be seen. To see if they are kind and if they like princesses or cars or animals.

I'm excited for the tantrums to deal with, the coloring books for church, and the endless cheerios to keep them quiet. The stifled laughter from us parents when they make an outburst at a public event that's really funny, but they can't know that so we have to try to keep a straight face. I'm excited for working as a team with my husband to keep our little toddler in check.

I'm excited for the trips to Disneyland, the screaming when they can't find their toy, and the endless owies that will need my kisses to feel better. The running to the door when daddy comes home, the family nights, and the bedtime routines. The falling more and more in love with my husband every day when I see how wonderful of a dad he is.

I'm excited for the moment I see another positive on that test. And crying from joy as we hold each other and known that we get to go on this crazy roller coaster again.

I'm excited to have the highest title I could ever be blessed with: Mom.

And I'm excited to have my eternal companion by my side as we raise our family together.

Reasons

A few reasons I am really frustrated with myself right now:

-I can never say anything right, and people get offended when I never mean for them to.

-I feel like no one really wants to be around me, so I never call people to hang out. Resulting in me just being frustrated with myself for having no friends.

-I feel like everyone secretly hates me, and only pretends to like me cause I've been leads.

-I can't trust boys. Even if he's a great guy, I still always feel like he'll find a better option.

-Along with the non-trusting thing, I feel like I can never just relax about a boy and trust they'll be loyal or kind. I'm always on edge and heartbroken.

-I feel like everything I say is stupid and drives people away, so I have a feeling of constant regret.

-I feel like I will never be someone's better option and I'll never get married.

-I get jealous super easily when I know there is no reason for me to.

-I talk to myself on a daily basis now. Please tell me this is normal.

-My heart hurts.

I know these are all really flawed thoughts, it's just what I'm feeling right now. And I needed to get it out.

So I wrote a song

I wrote a song for the first time since 9th grade.

And, like, I almost have all the piano cords for it too. And that has never happened.

....What's happening.

Is that what love does to you?
Or a broken heart?
Cause I'm still trying to decide which one it is right now.

You're the Reason

You're the reason

Why I get butterflies in my stomach

and brain

and heart

and basically everywhere

just by being near you.

You're the reason

Why I start smiling and giggling for no reason

and sometimes it's really embarrassing

because I'm walking down a hallway alone

or taking a test

or driving

and people don't normally smile when they do that

You're the reason

Why I start blushing against my will

by you just saying small, insignificant things

that remind me that you care

you just can't care too much, yet.

You're the reason

Why I'm trying to write this poem

this scatter-brained mess of a poem

that tries to explain how you make me feel

but I can't quite put sunshine into words.

You're the reason

Why I sing along to sappy love songs at the top of my lungs

dance like an idiot in my room

and try to play the piano like I know what I'm doing

Cause words alone aren't enough

You're the reason

Why skies don't seem quite as grey

flowers seem twice as beautiful

and eyes seem much more trustworthy then ever before

I just wanted you to know, you're the reason

and you're the best reason I could hope for.

21 Months

I remember the first time I saw you.

It was callbacks for Fiddler on the Roof. I saw you and thought you had to be Fyedka cause you were super attractive and Fyedka has to be attractive.

You were Perchik though, so I guess that worked too.

I remember I was really upset I wasn't a lead cause I thought no one would want to be my friend. But  I said something sarcastic and you got down on your knee and I was still sarcastic and denied your hand. I think I surprised you, cause after that you would always offer your hand to me.

I remember the first day I accepted it. We were backstage for a dress rehearsal. I finally gave you my hand and you kissed it. I'd never had a boy be so flirty and bold with me before. Then that became our thing for a while. You'd always offer for my hand, and you would always kiss it. That is when I started to fall in love with you.

I remember when we had to change the blocking. I would already almost cry cause I thought you would hit your head. And then the new guy did it, and you almost hit your head. Hard. My heart stopped at the thought of you being hurt.

I remember when you started to have a panic attack backstage. Your hands were shaking, and I got extremely worried, even though you told me it was nothing. I got my DoTerra oils and put them on your neck and hands, and stayed by your side until you calmed down. You later told me that was the moment you started to love me.

I remember the cast party. We were playing "if you love me smile", which I normally suck at. But when you slid up on your knees and said it in Spanish, I was somehow able to keep a straight face. Even though I blushed bright red. I remember your face, full of surprise and wonder at me. I think I impressed you. You gave me your number when you signed my script.

I remember 2 months after the show, when I hadn't seen you in so long. All my friends had just gotten into productions, except for me. I remember sobbing, trying to hold myself together, and realizing the only thing that I wanted was your arms around me. A Parker hug.

I remember Parker hugs.

I remember texting when you were in Vegas. You were texting Andra at the same time, and she asked you about your cast crush. I remember how she started squealing and told him that I needed to ask him. I remember I did, and it was me. And you were mine (besides Hootie, but everyone was in love with him.) I remember texting till you fell asleep.

I remember not being able to sleep from smiling too much.

I remember trying to hang out for months. Your parents wouldn't let you cause you weren't 16 till June, but it was ok. I could wait. I remember finally being able to hang out and ending up walking to my old elementary school. I remember that is started raining but we stayed outside anyways. I remember you took my hand, but you didn't kiss it this time, you just pulled me closer and started leading me.

I remember dancing in the rain.

I remember auditioning for Aladdin. We had talked about it for months, and it was finally cast. You were Aladdin, I was Jasmine. It was double cast, so it could have not been us, but somehow we ended up in the same cast. We ended up together.

I remember the perfect summer. Singing together on a magic carpet ride. Living a literal Disney fantasy every day for 2 months. I remember having to sing a solo and looking at you off stage the whole time. I remember the day that Ryan asked if I'd be willing to kiss you on stage. I said yes. If I was going to have to kiss anyone on stage, I'm glad it was you.

I remember falling in love with you.

I remember school starting, and not being able to talk to you as much. You'd never answer your texts. I remember being terrified cause I hadn't talked to you in a month. I remember the day that my friend came up to me and told me that she had been talking to you for weeks.

I remember that day all too clearly.
The day she said "I'm so sorry", the day I found out that I wasn't your whole world, the day that I called you a two-timing son of a B, the day that I cried because my fairytale was ending.

I remember you pretending like nothing happened. And I remember telling you I couldn't let this slide. I remember not talking to you for 3 months.

I remember still loving you. Despite having a broken heart.

I remember not being able to take it anymore. I remember not caring what had happened, I couldn't live without you. I remember that conversation. I remember giving you another chance.

I remember starting to talk again. I remember still rarely going on dates, but being able to know what was going on was nice.

I remember getting to the summer and wondering why I still never saw you. I remember being in two different shows. I remember you getting into an accident on your way to my show, and me blaming myself every day for your PTSD after it.

I remember seeing your show twice.
I remember you asking me to be yours in the basement of the Hale.
And our first real kiss.

I remember being "official" for 3 months. I remember watching movies and playing board games. I remember kissing. A lot. And you whispering "I love you" and "I'm yours" between kisses.

I remember telling you that you might loose me soon.

I remember spending more time with you, didn't make me love you more. It made me wonder if I had fallen in love with someone over text, and not in person.
But even when people would tell me you weren't good for me, I remember feeling like something wasn't finished.

I remember the night when I knew it was finished. When the spirit finally tapped me on the shoulder and told me it was time.

I remember breaking up with you on your favorite holiday.
Sorry about that.

But you know what? After I broke up with you, I realized a few things.

I remember when you didn't ever wish me a happy birthday. Ever.

I remember you not talking to me on Valentine's Day.

I remember feeling blamed for a lot of your problems. Including when you wouldn't eat.

I remember you never asking if I was ok, only ever talking about how horrible your life is. I don't think you ever really knew I have depression.

I remember when you cheated on me with a friend you met through me. And I was stupid enough to forgive you and think you'd change.

I remember that when I was having a lesson on abusive relationships, I realized that a lot of the warning signs seemed a little to familiar.
And brushing it off.

I remember the hard times.

And I remember getting over you.

I realized, though, that I never really got to say goodbye to the good times. The times that made me fall in love with you.

So here I am. Finally saying goodbye.
To 21 months.
90 weeks.
630 days.
15,120 hours.
907,200 minutes.
54,432,000 seconds.
Spent with my heart belonging to you.

Goodbye Parker.
And thanks for the hugs.

Warning: Depressing Rant Ahead

I'm sorry, but I just can't take it anymore.

I'm done pretending to be happy.

I'm done having everyone think I'm the pretty princess who gets all the leads and has the cutest boy and is super smart and she has no reason to be sad because her life is perfect. I mean, she has good health. Her family is in tact. She has fantastic friends. She has no reason to be sad. 

Her 

life

 is 

perfect.

I'm going to start off with how much I hate the word perfect.

My ex-boyfriend called me that all the time.

At the same time I felt like I was being blamed for him skipping all 3 meals that day.

I'm sorry, I just hate that word. I am far from it. The only person who is, is Christ. And I have definitely not achieved that level.

New requirement of my future husband: Knows that I am not perfect.

Now let's talk about my supposed "perfect" life.

I'm the pretty princess.

Did you know that no one at my job talks to me?

They hang out and have princess parties and all go to BYU and are super close.

Except for me. 

I feel so left out every day because they post their text conversations and pictures of them all over our Facebook group and I have yet to be in any of them. Not to mention plan hanging out after a gig without me. Right in front of my face.

I'm the lonely princess.

Gets all the leads.

Because of my "looks".

All that I ever hear when I get off stage is "you are just so pretty" or "oh you are so cute up there" or even worse they use the p word and I want to punch them in the face. 

"I don't know why your upset, you were good"

"You have no reason to be upset, at least you had a part."

Quick lesson: Leads don't bring you happiness.

I'm not kidding when I say I can't watch videos of myself without cringing. I think I'm pretty dang horrible, to tell the truth. The only leads I'm slightly proud of are Gabriella and Jasmine, and even then I cringe at some parts. Not to mention I still look incredibly awkward. I literally don't understand how people think I'm good.

Getting leads always just ends up getting me more enemies and making my friends mad at me.

I may get "all the leads", but I regret all the leads.

Has the cutest boy

If one more person asks if we're together, I swear.

For goodness sake, I'm falling in love with this boy, and he's climbing away from me.

I've really never had this happen. Usually the more I hang out with a person, the less I like them.

But with him, it's just getting worse. 

I know he doesn't want a high school relationship. I know that. I don't want that for him either.

Cause I know that they suck, and I don't want that to be his memory of me.

But it just hurts so much knowing that I am so close, and that he won't chase after me.

If I left, he would think of it as a blessing. Not a lost-love.

Had the cutest boy.

Super smart.

I used to only be known as "smart girl" in my math classes because I never got a question wrong.

Literally, 100% on all of my tests freaky smart girl.

And I literally didn't even have to try.

I'm kind of having an identity crisis. Because I used to be the one people were begging to have help them, and now I'm begging for help to graduate high school.

Goodbye 4.0. And perfect attendance. Now I'm just a stupid high school-er.

Oh and you know how I mentioned all the pretty princesses go to BYU? Secret confession, I would have killed to go to BYU. But since my depression knocked my grades out so much, I thought it would just be better to not apply then go through the heartache of not going to my dream school. All because of my last 2 years out of 13. Dear depression, I hate you. You cost me my future.

Sort of smart.

I'm not happy. There. I said it. I have fleeting moments of laughter and friends and maybe love that make it bearable, but I always go back. I really can't take it. And I can't take the fact that I have to pretend to be happy to keep my friends, because no one wants who I really am. A gloomy girl with no will to live. 

I have to keep pretending for the sake of everyone else.

But I'm so done.

Someone

Ok, I have a confession my friends.

I like someone.

Someone I really can't like. Someone that I know people will judge me for liking. Someone that...

Someone that makes me genuinely happy.
Someone who I can keep up a conversation with (and that NEVER happens).
Someone I feel like wants to be around me.
Someone I could see being my best friend.
Someone I can laugh with. Someone I could have a conversation about the gospel with.
Someone who knows who they are and what they stand for and won't change their values for anything.
Someone who will just hold me and laugh and ignore my awkwardness, cause they don't know what they're doing either. Someone who actually listens to me and cares about what I have to say.

Someone that I could love.

Someone who's a sophomore.

Of course, my senior year, I have to fall for someone I can't be with because they aren't even old enough to date. This is just sad. #worstseniorever.

But, I've never met someone who can make me feel so happy and, well, special. Just by being around them.

I have realized something though.

Is something like a grade in high school going to stop me from pursuing what will make me happy?
Am I going to choose anyone over them just because they're closer to my age? Heck to the no. There is no one else anymore. Just my someone.

I've decided to take the path that will make me happy.
Even though it may be a bit hard.

I've decided to be brave.
I've decided to be brave for my someone.
I've decided to not be scared of what others will think of me.

I've decided to leap.

And pray someone will catch me.

10 qualities of a keeper

I wanted to write this, because a lot of people think I like the people I do only because their talented and/or hot.

Well, thank you people, for thinking I am so shallow. I know who you are.

While some of those things may be true, if you think that's really what I like someone for, you are very wrong.

So I'm going to write a few of the reasons why I fall for people, a list of things I look for. This may turn very ranty and unpoetic, but just bear with me. This is a kind of, dream characteristic list. If you have some or all of these traits, then I fall in love with you.

1. Your passionate about something. Sure you may be talented, but when you perform it's not cause you want to. You NEED to. It's not so much as to show off as it is your form of happiness and peace. I can tell the difference, and I only love it when it is coming directly from your soul. I've always hated a show off.

2. You have a testimony. Nothing is more attractive then a guy who will maintain his standards at all times and places, even if he gets laughed at by his friends for it.

3. I want someone who will be my best friend, not someone who will text me every two seconds telling me how much they desperately love and need me. Someone who will joke with me, bring me ice cream and let me cry, tell me stories cause they thought of me first, cuddle and tickle me because they love to make me laugh. Someone who will be there to pick me up when I'm down, like a best friend should. If your more of a friend first, I'll be even more in love with you.

4. You can't have the same awkwardness as me on some levels. I'm super-extremely awkward, so I've got enough for the both of us. If you will hug me first, grab my hand first, and not make me feel awkward if I mess up where my hands go when you cuddle me or grab your hand awkwardly, then bless you. I need someone who knows how to do that, cause heaven knows I don't.

5. Someone who knows what to do to cheer me up. Maybe I just need to talk, maybe I need a good cuddle and a movie, or maybe I need to feel loved. You will sometimes have to figure out which one of those make me happiest, cause sometimes I don't even know.

6. Someone who loves family. Someone who fits in with mine, gets along well with theirs, and definitely someone who loves to play with kids. Super attractive trait. If that is you, you just got a lot of points.

7. You respect when I need you there and when I don't. Sometimes I need alone time, and sometimes I need "don't ever let me go" time. If I ask for one or the other, you need to love me enough to understand why I need it either way.

8. You who will be a dork with me. When I'm alone, I have crazy dance/singing parties in my room. I need someone who will be just as crazy as me and not laugh at me for messing up a move or falling on my face or kicking a table (ok maybe they can laugh a little, cause it happens a lot).

9. A laugh I can fall in love with. I've always noticed peoples laughs for some reason, I think they really define a person. If you have a real laugh that just bursts out and you can't help it, I think it's adorable.

10. You will just love me no matter what. I struggle with depression sometimes. Their may be days when I'm off the wall crazy and other days when I'm sobbing uncontrollably because I don't want to live anymore. It can be a bit scary. If you still want to be around me when I'm at my lowest, your a keeper.

I hope this helps people see a little bit more into my brain. And I'm sorry this turned more ranty then I'd hoped. I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling right now, which is a story for another day.

Sorry, but I need to rant real quick.

I really shouldn't have taught myself how to not cry so long ago.

Because now I'm brimming on the edge inside and it has no way to come out.

I'm spiraling. I'm spiraling down into the darkness again and I'm trying to fight it but reality keeps pushing me back down. Nothing hurts more that knowing your loosing your own inner battle, and badly.

The conversations dragging in my head between me and the adversary are never ending.

I have friends.
No you don't. No one really likes you, stop saying that to yourself. People may say it, but its not true. They know who their friends are, and you are not on the top of anyone's list.

People need me.
Ask any of your "buddies", they'll pretend like you've helped them, but you know the truth. They all have a real friend that has helped them, your just a little introvert that thinks she can make a difference. No one really needs you.

There's still hope with him.
He's known you like him for weeks now. He would have done something by now if he even slightly cared about you. And look at yourself, still lonely and miserable. Give up on hope of a happily ever after. It'll never happen to you.

I am beautiful.
Yeah, just keep saying that to yourself. I'm sure no one else notices your zits, your pointy ears, your crooked smile, your always gloomy demeanor, your horrible posture, and your witch nose. No, it's just you.

I. Am. Happy.
I know you'll come crawling back to me as soon as he doesn't talk to you again, or you notice your extra weight, or you don't get noticed by anyone for your hard work. You can't escape me.

Get. Thee. Freaking. Behind. Me. Satan.

I'm TRYING to be happy here. To be content with my life, to move on and overcome this depression instilled in my genetic code. I'm clawing desperately to get out of this hell you've created for me; but you've been so smart as to make that hell in my mind.

I choose to stay. I CHOSE to stay. So why do I keep going back to depression like a drug? My own personal torture?

People come to help pull me out, but then they see something shiny over there so they leave me to fight alone.
Am I really so non important to anyone's happiness? Does anyone really care anymore?

Maybe I'm just having a bad day, and maybe I'm just an emotional teenage girl because "I don't have real feelings yet" and "it's all just a phase", but this hurts. A lot.

And I refuse to be dragged down any further.

No Escape

There is no way to escape.

He's everywhere.

My heart.

My head.

My happiness.

The only way out is my sleep, and even then my dreams betray me.

My mind at least tries to be kind.

"Remember all the good times you've had"

"He really isn't that bad"

"Remember what he said to you, he could care"

"It could still happen"

My dreams show me illusions that convince me so much that I wake up everyday thinking that everything is finally going to be OK.

Only to let reality bring me crashing back down.

He is everywhere I go.

I can't even open my eyes without being bombarded by the truth of my situation.

Even the place that used to give me the most joy,

is now corrupted by him.

"Just get over him"

"It's just a phase, I went through it too"

"He's a jerk anyway, he doesn't deserve you"

"It's just high school, high school is supposed to suck"

"He's bad in relationships anyway, you don't need to go through that"

I'm done having people tell me I'm stupid for liking him.

You don't think I already tell myself that with everyday that goes by?

You don't think I don't hate myself for not being able to get over just another "high school crush"?

I guess my only escape will be when the tears finally come,

but I will be found all to soon, the next time he bombards my peace of mind with his poisonous smile.

If you knew

If you knew that I cared,

I wonder if anything would be different.

Maybe you wouldn't flirt with me,

laugh with me, hold me,

if you knew how much it hurt me

to be so close to you

and yet know I'm so far away.

 

Maybe you would laugh.

Laugh at the thought that someone like you,

could even consider someone like me.

Laugh at the fact that I am nobody,

chasing an empty dream that you will crush.

Maybe you would actually try to be a friend,

talk to me, joke with me,

try to be slightly more that a jerk

that just talks to me when convenient.

Maybe you would try to be better,

knowing that maybe there is someone out there

that could love you

even when your a ignorant peacock that struts around

leaving heartbreak in your stride.

Maybe you would try.

Try to make it work.

See me in a new light that you hadn't considered before.

That maybe I could be someone to hold,

to laugh with, to be there for you.

Maybe you wouldn't even care.

Life would go on, without pause,

through the flirting and the heartbreak

over and over again

in the most crushing, destructive way possible.

Maybe if you knew,

something would be different

in this Hell I'm going through.

Legit my favorite book

I reread one of my favorites.

I'm a total hopeless romantic, so this book was basically made for me.

If you love historical romance novels, then you will freaking love this book.

Plus, I want to name my first son after the main character, so there's another reason to read it.

It's basically about this rich guy with an annoying girl on his tail, so he tries to prove a point and just grabs a random maid in the garden and kisses her in front of the annoying girl. Well, turns out the maid is the daughter of a very rich and mean uncle, who forces them to get married. 

It's adorable. Really.

CRISPIN + CATHERINE 4EVER

Ok bye.