Sorry, but I need to rant real quick.

I really shouldn't have taught myself how to not cry so long ago.

Because now I'm brimming on the edge inside and it has no way to come out.

I'm spiraling. I'm spiraling down into the darkness again and I'm trying to fight it but reality keeps pushing me back down. Nothing hurts more that knowing your loosing your own inner battle, and badly.

The conversations dragging in my head between me and the adversary are never ending.

I have friends.
No you don't. No one really likes you, stop saying that to yourself. People may say it, but its not true. They know who their friends are, and you are not on the top of anyone's list.

People need me.
Ask any of your "buddies", they'll pretend like you've helped them, but you know the truth. They all have a real friend that has helped them, your just a little introvert that thinks she can make a difference. No one really needs you.

There's still hope with him.
He's known you like him for weeks now. He would have done something by now if he even slightly cared about you. And look at yourself, still lonely and miserable. Give up on hope of a happily ever after. It'll never happen to you.

I am beautiful.
Yeah, just keep saying that to yourself. I'm sure no one else notices your zits, your pointy ears, your crooked smile, your always gloomy demeanor, your horrible posture, and your witch nose. No, it's just you.

I. Am. Happy.
I know you'll come crawling back to me as soon as he doesn't talk to you again, or you notice your extra weight, or you don't get noticed by anyone for your hard work. You can't escape me.

Get. Thee. Freaking. Behind. Me. Satan.

I'm TRYING to be happy here. To be content with my life, to move on and overcome this depression instilled in my genetic code. I'm clawing desperately to get out of this hell you've created for me; but you've been so smart as to make that hell in my mind.

I choose to stay. I CHOSE to stay. So why do I keep going back to depression like a drug? My own personal torture?

People come to help pull me out, but then they see something shiny over there so they leave me to fight alone.
Am I really so non important to anyone's happiness? Does anyone really care anymore?

Maybe I'm just having a bad day, and maybe I'm just an emotional teenage girl because "I don't have real feelings yet" and "it's all just a phase", but this hurts. A lot.

And I refuse to be dragged down any further.