21 Months

I remember the first time I saw you.

It was callbacks for Fiddler on the Roof. I saw you and thought you had to be Fyedka cause you were super attractive and Fyedka has to be attractive.

You were Perchik though, so I guess that worked too.

I remember I was really upset I wasn't a lead cause I thought no one would want to be my friend. But  I said something sarcastic and you got down on your knee and I was still sarcastic and denied your hand. I think I surprised you, cause after that you would always offer your hand to me.

I remember the first day I accepted it. We were backstage for a dress rehearsal. I finally gave you my hand and you kissed it. I'd never had a boy be so flirty and bold with me before. Then that became our thing for a while. You'd always offer for my hand, and you would always kiss it. That is when I started to fall in love with you.

I remember when we had to change the blocking. I would already almost cry cause I thought you would hit your head. And then the new guy did it, and you almost hit your head. Hard. My heart stopped at the thought of you being hurt.

I remember when you started to have a panic attack backstage. Your hands were shaking, and I got extremely worried, even though you told me it was nothing. I got my DoTerra oils and put them on your neck and hands, and stayed by your side until you calmed down. You later told me that was the moment you started to love me.

I remember the cast party. We were playing "if you love me smile", which I normally suck at. But when you slid up on your knees and said it in Spanish, I was somehow able to keep a straight face. Even though I blushed bright red. I remember your face, full of surprise and wonder at me. I think I impressed you. You gave me your number when you signed my script.

I remember 2 months after the show, when I hadn't seen you in so long. All my friends had just gotten into productions, except for me. I remember sobbing, trying to hold myself together, and realizing the only thing that I wanted was your arms around me. A Parker hug.

I remember Parker hugs.

I remember texting when you were in Vegas. You were texting Andra at the same time, and she asked you about your cast crush. I remember how she started squealing and told him that I needed to ask him. I remember I did, and it was me. And you were mine (besides Hootie, but everyone was in love with him.) I remember texting till you fell asleep.

I remember not being able to sleep from smiling too much.

I remember trying to hang out for months. Your parents wouldn't let you cause you weren't 16 till June, but it was ok. I could wait. I remember finally being able to hang out and ending up walking to my old elementary school. I remember that is started raining but we stayed outside anyways. I remember you took my hand, but you didn't kiss it this time, you just pulled me closer and started leading me.

I remember dancing in the rain.

I remember auditioning for Aladdin. We had talked about it for months, and it was finally cast. You were Aladdin, I was Jasmine. It was double cast, so it could have not been us, but somehow we ended up in the same cast. We ended up together.

I remember the perfect summer. Singing together on a magic carpet ride. Living a literal Disney fantasy every day for 2 months. I remember having to sing a solo and looking at you off stage the whole time. I remember the day that Ryan asked if I'd be willing to kiss you on stage. I said yes. If I was going to have to kiss anyone on stage, I'm glad it was you.

I remember falling in love with you.

I remember school starting, and not being able to talk to you as much. You'd never answer your texts. I remember being terrified cause I hadn't talked to you in a month. I remember the day that my friend came up to me and told me that she had been talking to you for weeks.

I remember that day all too clearly.
The day she said "I'm so sorry", the day I found out that I wasn't your whole world, the day that I called you a two-timing son of a B, the day that I cried because my fairytale was ending.

I remember you pretending like nothing happened. And I remember telling you I couldn't let this slide. I remember not talking to you for 3 months.

I remember still loving you. Despite having a broken heart.

I remember not being able to take it anymore. I remember not caring what had happened, I couldn't live without you. I remember that conversation. I remember giving you another chance.

I remember starting to talk again. I remember still rarely going on dates, but being able to know what was going on was nice.

I remember getting to the summer and wondering why I still never saw you. I remember being in two different shows. I remember you getting into an accident on your way to my show, and me blaming myself every day for your PTSD after it.

I remember seeing your show twice.
I remember you asking me to be yours in the basement of the Hale.
And our first real kiss.

I remember being "official" for 3 months. I remember watching movies and playing board games. I remember kissing. A lot. And you whispering "I love you" and "I'm yours" between kisses.

I remember telling you that you might loose me soon.

I remember spending more time with you, didn't make me love you more. It made me wonder if I had fallen in love with someone over text, and not in person.
But even when people would tell me you weren't good for me, I remember feeling like something wasn't finished.

I remember the night when I knew it was finished. When the spirit finally tapped me on the shoulder and told me it was time.

I remember breaking up with you on your favorite holiday.
Sorry about that.

But you know what? After I broke up with you, I realized a few things.

I remember when you didn't ever wish me a happy birthday. Ever.

I remember you not talking to me on Valentine's Day.

I remember feeling blamed for a lot of your problems. Including when you wouldn't eat.

I remember you never asking if I was ok, only ever talking about how horrible your life is. I don't think you ever really knew I have depression.

I remember when you cheated on me with a friend you met through me. And I was stupid enough to forgive you and think you'd change.

I remember that when I was having a lesson on abusive relationships, I realized that a lot of the warning signs seemed a little to familiar.
And brushing it off.

I remember the hard times.

And I remember getting over you.

I realized, though, that I never really got to say goodbye to the good times. The times that made me fall in love with you.

So here I am. Finally saying goodbye.
To 21 months.
90 weeks.
630 days.
15,120 hours.
907,200 minutes.
54,432,000 seconds.
Spent with my heart belonging to you.

Goodbye Parker.
And thanks for the hugs.