Warning: Depressing Rant Ahead

I'm sorry, but I just can't take it anymore.

I'm done pretending to be happy.

I'm done having everyone think I'm the pretty princess who gets all the leads and has the cutest boy and is super smart and she has no reason to be sad because her life is perfect. I mean, she has good health. Her family is in tact. She has fantastic friends. She has no reason to be sad. 

Her 

life

 is 

perfect.

I'm going to start off with how much I hate the word perfect.

My ex-boyfriend called me that all the time.

At the same time I felt like I was being blamed for him skipping all 3 meals that day.

I'm sorry, I just hate that word. I am far from it. The only person who is, is Christ. And I have definitely not achieved that level.

New requirement of my future husband: Knows that I am not perfect.

Now let's talk about my supposed "perfect" life.

I'm the pretty princess.

Did you know that no one at my job talks to me?

They hang out and have princess parties and all go to BYU and are super close.

Except for me. 

I feel so left out every day because they post their text conversations and pictures of them all over our Facebook group and I have yet to be in any of them. Not to mention plan hanging out after a gig without me. Right in front of my face.

I'm the lonely princess.

Gets all the leads.

Because of my "looks".

All that I ever hear when I get off stage is "you are just so pretty" or "oh you are so cute up there" or even worse they use the p word and I want to punch them in the face. 

"I don't know why your upset, you were good"

"You have no reason to be upset, at least you had a part."

Quick lesson: Leads don't bring you happiness.

I'm not kidding when I say I can't watch videos of myself without cringing. I think I'm pretty dang horrible, to tell the truth. The only leads I'm slightly proud of are Gabriella and Jasmine, and even then I cringe at some parts. Not to mention I still look incredibly awkward. I literally don't understand how people think I'm good.

Getting leads always just ends up getting me more enemies and making my friends mad at me.

I may get "all the leads", but I regret all the leads.

Has the cutest boy

If one more person asks if we're together, I swear.

For goodness sake, I'm falling in love with this boy, and he's climbing away from me.

I've really never had this happen. Usually the more I hang out with a person, the less I like them.

But with him, it's just getting worse. 

I know he doesn't want a high school relationship. I know that. I don't want that for him either.

Cause I know that they suck, and I don't want that to be his memory of me.

But it just hurts so much knowing that I am so close, and that he won't chase after me.

If I left, he would think of it as a blessing. Not a lost-love.

Had the cutest boy.

Super smart.

I used to only be known as "smart girl" in my math classes because I never got a question wrong.

Literally, 100% on all of my tests freaky smart girl.

And I literally didn't even have to try.

I'm kind of having an identity crisis. Because I used to be the one people were begging to have help them, and now I'm begging for help to graduate high school.

Goodbye 4.0. And perfect attendance. Now I'm just a stupid high school-er.

Oh and you know how I mentioned all the pretty princesses go to BYU? Secret confession, I would have killed to go to BYU. But since my depression knocked my grades out so much, I thought it would just be better to not apply then go through the heartache of not going to my dream school. All because of my last 2 years out of 13. Dear depression, I hate you. You cost me my future.

Sort of smart.

I'm not happy. There. I said it. I have fleeting moments of laughter and friends and maybe love that make it bearable, but I always go back. I really can't take it. And I can't take the fact that I have to pretend to be happy to keep my friends, because no one wants who I really am. A gloomy girl with no will to live. 

I have to keep pretending for the sake of everyone else.

But I'm so done.