No more hiding

I've delayed posting this because I know hardly anyone cared about my blog.

Thanks to the few who did. I often feel very tossed aside and forgotten, that no one ever really cares about me. So when I saw a comment, you'll never know how much it helped me through my day.

Now, a few things about me,
(In case you don't already know who I am, cause like if you really know me then you knew it was me right away)

-I suck at writing poetry.

-I've had depression for the past two years.

-I'm the youngest in my family, which is code for "I'm the permanent babysitter at Grandma's house".

-I love theater. And dance. And music. They're the only things that can make me genuinely happy.

-I want to be a drama teacher. I want to give people a good experience with theater, and I want to inspire the students who really care.

-Oreos are my weakness. They're just so freaking good.

-The Tim Allen Santa is my favorite version cause he's the only Santa that isn't actually terrifying. He's the Santa I'm gonna raise my kids on.

-I want to me a mom. I want a little mini version of me and the one I love most combined into a little body. That just sounds like the greatest thing.

-I love photography. I love taking the picture of someone that they can look at and think that they're beautiful.

-I want to be a princess. Ballgowns, dancing all day, meeting a handsome prince? Sign me up. It helps that I've played Ariel and Jasmine, and work as Belle and Elsa for kids parties. I guess I'm on the right track. My resume will look great.

-I hate compliments. Like, if someone says "oh your so cute" or "your just so pretty up there on stage", that to me is so fake. Please tell me something you actually mean. Thanks.

-I fall for people that remind me of my brother. No, I'm not saying I'm creepily attracted to my brother. I want someone who will always make me smile and be my best friend, just like my brother.

-I love Disney, Doctor Who, all things nerdy, chick flicks, and basically most things you can find on Netflix.

-I hate high school relationships, and yet I want one. But boys are the worst. But they're not. It's complicated.

-Christine Daae is my absolute dream role. I love her character so much. And Nelson, I feel like she should have chosen the Phantom, too.

-"Ireth" is elvish for my first name. Don't judge. Here's the link to the website where you can find yours. Your all welcome.
http://www.chriswetherell.com/elf/

Well, I guess the girl who has been hiding is finally premiering at the Opera. Sing on, Angel of Music.

-Kelsea Kocherhans

I remember Christmas

I remember when Christmas was trying to stay awake to hear reindeer on the roof,

Ignoring the heavy pull of sleep on the excitement in our eyes.

I remember when Christmas was writing letters to Santa,

Adding a few extra presents at the last minute to see if he was the real deal.

I remember when Christmas was getting to see your cousins,

Wondering who would play Mary in the nativity this year.

I remember when Christmas was fitting all the siblings into one, small bedroom

With giggling and snuggling to wait out the long, cold winter night before Christmas.

I remember when Christmas was picking out the classic stories before bed,

Christmas Oranges for my sister, How the Grinch Stole Christmas for my brother.

I remember when Christmas meant happiness,

excitement,

laughter,

memories,

love,

and family.

I remember when Christmas was being surrounded by the ones that I love,

And wondering how I could ever ask for anything more.

The words that jumped out

The boy with the guitar

Give me the boy with the guitar
The one that can make me forget the crap in my life
By just plucking a few strings
And taking my breath away

Give me the boy with the smile
The one that makes my head spin around and my heart stop beating
By just breaking through like the sun
And brightening my day

Give me the boy with the smirk
The one that makes me want to strangle him and kiss him at the same time
By driving me insane
And making me love him even more

Give me the boy with the mind

The one that intrigues me and makes me want to know what makes it tick

By puzzling me more every day

And making me want to sort through the pieces

Give me the boy with the voice

The one that makes me laugh harder and love stronger

By just singing a few lines

Or saying a few words

Give me the boy

The one that I know is there

Please just come out

And meet the girl with the broken heart

Who has always been here

Listen up, heart

OK heart, we need to have a little talk.

This has gotten out of control.

You know I can't love him.

Yeah I know, I know, he's all we ever wanted.

Talented

funny

sweet

flirty

amazing

beautiful

intelligent

everything...

But you have to ignore that.

You NEED to ignore that.

Cause you know who he is, what he's like,

and I can't stand to have you broken again.

I tried to write about nature

I tried to write about nature

But my heart bubbled up and I couldn't bring it back down.

My heart thuds in my chest like an angry parent on the door when I see him.

Thump.

Thump.

Thump.

He grabs the wild heart and squeezes it to dust when I see him with her.

Or her.

Or her.

Or her.

He walks away, clueless, and I am completely crushed from the pain.

No more.

No more.

No more.

STOP.

Of course I had to be the one who falls for the biggest player in the school.

The one who everyone says is no good and I shouldn't waste my time on.

But I don't want the player.

I don't like him at all.

I want the boy underneath the mask.

The one that I saw. That one day.

You probably didn't even think about it,

but maybe that's why you avoid my gaze.

Because as soon as we starred into each others eyes I saw the boy behind the player.

The boy who is just like everyone else.

Maybe a bit different though.

Different enough to find the need to cover him up.

A boy who's afraid.

I'm afraid too, boy.

But even I can't hide forever.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you are just a straight up jerk and I should forget all about you,

but your eyes speak louder then your words.

I'm just not sure which one to trust right now.

Murderer

Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do.

I had to make a really hard decision this week.

I had to crush someone's heart. 

I felt it was the right decision.

I feel peace about it.

So then why do I feel like a murderer?

Someone gave me their heart.

I thought someone loved me.

I thought someone trusted me.

And I had to try to shove his heart back into his chest without breaking it,

which is much harder than it sounds.

I didn't want to break his heart.

I didn't want to break mine.

But I had to.

We are too young.

We both need some growing up to do.

A few more heartbreaks to get us toughened up.

A few more high school crushes to crush us.

Sometimes it takes a heart dying to realize you need to be more careful with it.

I just wish I didn't have to be the one to destroy his.

Letter to my future daughter

My dearest daughter,

I am so sorry. But you are probably very much like me.

We have some pretty messed up genetics in this family, so sorry about that. Can't really change it.

But I know what your going through right now.

You think you aren't enough.

You think that no one will ever really care about you.

You are scared of what the future holds and if it ever gets better than this.

And you know what, I love you beyond words, but I can't help you.

It doesn't matter how many compliments you receive. It never will.

You could get told that you are the most beautiful thing on the planet every day, and never believe it.

It's never about what other people tell you about you, it's what YOU tell yourself about YOU.

And YOU need to love yourself.

But trust me, I know that it is not as easy as it sounds.

All throughout your youth it will be a climb to not fall into the darkness that beacons you.

But never give up.

Keep climbing.

And I will always be there with an outstretched hand to help you reach the top.

I guess what I'm trying to say is:

I know life sucks. And I'm sorry. 

But maybe we can make it through it together.

With Love,

Mom

When your afraid

I've already made two lists of what I'm afraid of.

And you know what, I'm tired of making that list.

What I think the real fear is, is what happens to us when we're afraid.

What happens when your afraid?

Trapped.

Alone.

Petrified.

Nervous.

Frozen.

Overwhelmed.

Panicked.

Wild.

Nothing can be scarier that loosing control of yourself.

let's walk through the night

Let's walk through the night.

With just the dim, flickering streetlamps to light our way.

It may be cold, but at least you'll be there with me.

We could look at the stars, try to find the brightest one,

Try to imagine pictures up there arranged by angels.

Look up at the moon and try to remember the name of the phase it's in.

We could just look at our surroundings.

All in the same shade of dark blue that night blankets the world in.

See the edges of the mountain highlighted by the moonlight.

Or maybe we could just close our eyes and listen.

The crickets sing their lullaby to the world.

Silence being it's steady accompaniment.

Maybe we could just talk.

Forget how the cool, crisp air is making our throat sore.

The night gives a certain protection to our words, like the sky is saying it will keep our secret.

Protecting us from eavesdropping ears.

The best conversations always happen at night.

The best stories come from the night.

The best times with you always come from the night.

So let's walk through the night.

Let's walk through together.

How to be normal

First of all, if your a true hipster, you must forget your ways.

To be normal, you need to blend in. 

To blend in, you need to dress a bit hipster. But not enough to be noticed.

Just enough so that people see that your part of the crowd.

Then you need to forget being yourself.

Normal people aren't like you. Unique and beautiful just the way you are.

Normal people laugh when they're supposed to. Giggle and look cute.

Crazy and funny enough to cover up the inner turmoil of what's really going on underneath the surface.

But don't stand out too much, normal people don't do that.

And normal people, for some reason, don't have feelings.

Normal people are just normal, they can't be sad or depressed or confused.

Normal people can be pretty good or tired. Those are your only options if you want people to know that your nice and normal.

Forget about what your really feeling. If you want to be normal you need to put that aside.

So to put it in basic steps, 

How to be normal:

1. Blend in with the crowd

2. Don't be unique or you

3. Don't feel

Maybe normal isn't such a good thing after all.

Let's not be normal.

"So how are you?"

worried

stressed

accusing

upset

nervous

anxious

overwhelmed

drowned

done

pretty good

fine

what about you?

My life in gifs

This is what happens when I'm sad

My most used phrase after coming home from school

Often what I say when I wake up from a nap

and what I look like

I'm not sure why this one applies, but it does

same with this one

my reaction to other people always

Sometimes I wish I was a princess

But then I realize 

And finally

Me writing a blog post

Well this was fun

and random

sorry bout that

Dealing with Death

Death is hard.

Whether it's a Grandparent, a Dog, a friend, a family member, even a pet goldfish.

It's hard.

You have to deal with the fact that you will never see them again.

Never see their smile.

Never hear their voice.

Only look at pictures and videos and try to remember the exact moments that went away all too fast.

Then you have to start to get used to life without them.

Get used to not calling out for them.

Get used to not thinking of them when your lonely.

Get used to the fact that they aren't there anymore.

The next step is starting to get back to your normal life.

Put on a smile.

Say that your fine.

Push down the tears when you remember.

Eventually time passes.

Life goes on.

You miss them, but eventually you stop crying.

But for now, I'm just going to cry.

Cause it's hard.

And I miss them.

Trying to draw inspiration from a brick

This--is a brick.

They're not a very special or sentimental item in any way.

No one proposes with a brick.

Or compliments someone by saying they look like a brick today.

Pretty sure no one collects bricks (then again I could be wrong, weird people out there)

There's no inspiring movies or books about bricks.

A brick hasn't inspired a scientific discovery.

All a brick has ever really done is be part of a wall.

A piece to a puzzle.

No brick being more of a standout than another.

It's kind of an overlooked essential.

A person could propose on a brick wall and never know.

Maybe someone was wearing a brick colored dress that someone thought looked great on them.

A collection of records could be displayed on a brick wall.

There's a song called "One Brick at a Time"

Schools are almost always made of brick somewhere.

Bricks are everywhere and yet when asked to write about them we can't think of anything but why on earth we have to write about a stupid brick.

I'm gonna appreciate bricks a bit more now.

Maybe I'll start a collection.

If Only

This is #stolen. From a Disney song. From Broadway.

But it pretty much sums up my life.

And the lyrics are beautiful. 

"If Only you could know

The things I long to say

If only I could tell you

What I wish I could convey

It's in my ev'ry glance

My heart's an open book

You'd see it all at once

If only you would look"

"If only you could glimpse

The feelings that I feel

If only you would notice

What I'm dying to reveal

The dreams I can't declare

The needs I can't deny

You'd understand them all

If only you would try"

"All my secrets you would learn them

All my longings you'd return them

Then the silence would be broken

Not a word would need be spoken"

"If only it were true

If only for a while"

"If only you would notice

How I ache behind my smile"

"I guess you never will

I guess it doesn't show

But if I never find a way to tell you so

Oh what I would give

If only you could know"

-If Only (Quartet) The Little Mermaid

Have you even just wanted to say something

but couldn't find the words

or the chance

or the will

to say it?

Me too.

-a shy quiet girl

Can't we talk about anything else but love

I'm serious right now.

It seems that I can't turn anywhere right now without being asked what love is.

And I don't freaking know.

I thought I knew.

I thought love was when you first saw someone and thought they were cute.

I thought love was getting the best hugs ever.

I thought love was getting butterflies whenever you knew you were going to see him.

I thought love started when you found out you liked each other.

I thought love was the summer romance that left me in bliss.

I thought love was wondering where love went.

I thought love was betrayal.

I thought love was saying no more.

I thought love was learning to trust again.

I thought love was forgiving over and over again.

I thought love was patience.

I thought love was waiting for him to think of you.

I thought love was the heartbreak of knowing he wouldn't.

I thought love was when he finally did.

I thought love was when he finally got the courage to come to you.

I thought love was agreeing to be his.

I thought love was going on dates and kissing.

I thought love was finally putting the pieces together and being happy.

But maybe it's not.

Maybe love is seeing someone again.

Maybe love is an old friend that has finally come back.

Maybe love is seeing each other everyday.

Maybe love is someone who actually tries to spend time with you.

Maybe love can be a bit too much sometimes.

Maybe love is laughing when all you did was look at their face.

Maybe love is new and exciting.

Maybe love shows they care about you way more than love ever did.

Maybe love is frustrated when they find out your boyfriend never sees you.

Maybe love thinks you deserve more.

Maybe love is supportive anyway.

Maybe love loves you even when you don't love back.

I thought love was knowing who you love.

But maybe that's just what makes love beautiful.

Maybe love is not knowing who you love.

Dance

Recently, I had to make a decision that was really though for me.

I had to quit dance.

I just had too many things going on, and my studio owner wasn't being super flexible with stuff. So I had to quit something that I had been doing since I was eight years old.

And honestly, I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal.

I though, "Eh, I'll have plenty of opportunities to dance. I won't miss it that much."

Boy was I wrong.

Dance was a way I could escape from the world.

A way I could rant about my day without having to say a word.

A place where I could put all of my energy.

Where I could learn new things about myself.

Where I could challenge myself.

Where I could learn to love myself.

Where I could express myself without being afraid of judgement.

Where I could just be, me.

I've never thought that I was the best dancer. I'm not super flexible and super strong and super everything that a truly spectacular dancer should be.

But that's never what it was about.

It was about the triumph and the failure.

It was about the experience.

The experience of letting your body take over.

Putting on a song that speaks to you and letting your body say what words never have been able to.

Dancing isn't just a hobby.

It's the language of the heart and soul.

And oh do I miss it.

It's not about survival

What is it about humans?

Why do we not just survive? Why do we strive for even more?

I mean, we are technically animals, shouldn't we just try to focus on not dying?

Maybe it's because we're selfish.

Humans have this funny thing where we ignore what we need and go straight for what we want. We're too stubborn to address the essentials sometimes.

Maybe we're just stupid. 

I mean, have you seen that list called the Darwin Awards? They literally give out awards to people that have died, because they died in a magnificently stupid way. Wouldn't that make you feel special.

But seriously, what's up with us? Why are we so different when it comes to survival and life?

Well allow me to attempt to answer that.

I think it's because humans always strive for more than what we are. 

We don't just want to exist, we want to LIVE.

We want to experience having a best friend even though it may mean loosing one.

We want to experience school even though it may mean failure.

We want to experience love even though it may mean heartbreak in the end.

We want to experience fear

and laughter

and despair

and rebellion

and happiness

and hate

and pure joy.

HUMANS are willing to sacrifice survival for the chance to LIVE

and be MORE than just "human"

You wanna know what sucks

You wanna know what really sucks?


Having a boyfriend that never makes time for you.

A best friend that you feel like is never working for you, but against you.

Pretending to be happy so that people won't worry about you too much.

Being sick more in three months then you have ever been in your whole life.

Hating soda; because it's the only thing that people ever bring to parties and your stuck there drinking water.

Being known as the quiet girl; because no one ever wants to be friends with the quiet girl.

Feeling like everyone hates you.

Feeling like you hate everyone.

Not being hipster enough for the blogs.

Being in depression just when crap decides to hit the fan in your life.

Having to move twice in one year.

Being terrified of kissing.

Feeling like your family doesn't really want you around.

Having a sick feeling come over you whenever you have to think about your future after graduation.

Having writers block.



Feeling like you will never be good enough.



Oh and let's not forget always focusing on the negative; like making a list of things that suck.

Potential of Crayons

I must say, I really like crayons.

That is until they break and your stuck coloring with a stupid crayon. Anyways.

Crayons are pretty cool, because they can be whatever you want.

Let's say, you start with blue.

Blue is just blue. But think of all the things that are blue. The ocean, a blue bird, the sky; then all the things that could be blue, like a mailbox or a house or the color of someone's eyes.

Blue can be turned into something that everyone will recognize like a boat; but it can also be turned into something that you only recognize like a blob that is supposed to look like Beyonce.

Blue is just blue until you decide to make it something better than just a color. 

Crayons are like words.

Words can be formed to express whatever the heck you want, just like a drawing. Words can form simple sentences like "I like cats", but also form works of art like the complete works of William Shakespeare.

You can form words so that everyone can understand what they mean, or form them so only you can know what they mean.

Words are just words, until you decide to make them something better.

Christine

"Christine, Christine, Christine...where in the world have you been hiding?"

This is Christine. Christine is my dream, who I wish I was. Who I really am, but am too scared to show people. She's the girl who over analyzes every single detail of her life until she gets driven insane. She is the girl who loves complete silence but also loves to be immersed in sound. She's the girl who loves to blast music till she can't hear herself sing or just turn it down to a quiet hum in the back of her mind. She is the girl who knows what she would like in her future, but can't decide which path to take. She's the girl who is afraid of everything but yearns for adventure in her life. She's the girl who tries to put her thoughts into an intricate web of words but just ends up ranting. She's the girl who strives for greatness but always ends up falling short. She's the girl who wants her own happily ever after but isn't even sure what that would mean.

She's the girl who is hiding but isn't sure if she wants to be found.

Maybe she can start with this blog.