Someone

Ok, I have a confession my friends.

I like someone.

Someone I really can't like. Someone that I know people will judge me for liking. Someone that...

Someone that makes me genuinely happy.
Someone who I can keep up a conversation with (and that NEVER happens).
Someone I feel like wants to be around me.
Someone I could see being my best friend.
Someone I can laugh with. Someone I could have a conversation about the gospel with.
Someone who knows who they are and what they stand for and won't change their values for anything.
Someone who will just hold me and laugh and ignore my awkwardness, cause they don't know what they're doing either. Someone who actually listens to me and cares about what I have to say.

Someone that I could love.

Someone who's a sophomore.

Of course, my senior year, I have to fall for someone I can't be with because they aren't even old enough to date. This is just sad. #worstseniorever.

But, I've never met someone who can make me feel so happy and, well, special. Just by being around them.

I have realized something though.

Is something like a grade in high school going to stop me from pursuing what will make me happy?
Am I going to choose anyone over them just because they're closer to my age? Heck to the no. There is no one else anymore. Just my someone.

I've decided to take the path that will make me happy.
Even though it may be a bit hard.

I've decided to be brave.
I've decided to be brave for my someone.
I've decided to not be scared of what others will think of me.

I've decided to leap.

And pray someone will catch me.

10 qualities of a keeper

I wanted to write this, because a lot of people think I like the people I do only because their talented and/or hot.

Well, thank you people, for thinking I am so shallow. I know who you are.

While some of those things may be true, if you think that's really what I like someone for, you are very wrong.

So I'm going to write a few of the reasons why I fall for people, a list of things I look for. This may turn very ranty and unpoetic, but just bear with me. This is a kind of, dream characteristic list. If you have some or all of these traits, then I fall in love with you.

1. Your passionate about something. Sure you may be talented, but when you perform it's not cause you want to. You NEED to. It's not so much as to show off as it is your form of happiness and peace. I can tell the difference, and I only love it when it is coming directly from your soul. I've always hated a show off.

2. You have a testimony. Nothing is more attractive then a guy who will maintain his standards at all times and places, even if he gets laughed at by his friends for it.

3. I want someone who will be my best friend, not someone who will text me every two seconds telling me how much they desperately love and need me. Someone who will joke with me, bring me ice cream and let me cry, tell me stories cause they thought of me first, cuddle and tickle me because they love to make me laugh. Someone who will be there to pick me up when I'm down, like a best friend should. If your more of a friend first, I'll be even more in love with you.

4. You can't have the same awkwardness as me on some levels. I'm super-extremely awkward, so I've got enough for the both of us. If you will hug me first, grab my hand first, and not make me feel awkward if I mess up where my hands go when you cuddle me or grab your hand awkwardly, then bless you. I need someone who knows how to do that, cause heaven knows I don't.

5. Someone who knows what to do to cheer me up. Maybe I just need to talk, maybe I need a good cuddle and a movie, or maybe I need to feel loved. You will sometimes have to figure out which one of those make me happiest, cause sometimes I don't even know.

6. Someone who loves family. Someone who fits in with mine, gets along well with theirs, and definitely someone who loves to play with kids. Super attractive trait. If that is you, you just got a lot of points.

7. You respect when I need you there and when I don't. Sometimes I need alone time, and sometimes I need "don't ever let me go" time. If I ask for one or the other, you need to love me enough to understand why I need it either way.

8. You who will be a dork with me. When I'm alone, I have crazy dance/singing parties in my room. I need someone who will be just as crazy as me and not laugh at me for messing up a move or falling on my face or kicking a table (ok maybe they can laugh a little, cause it happens a lot).

9. A laugh I can fall in love with. I've always noticed peoples laughs for some reason, I think they really define a person. If you have a real laugh that just bursts out and you can't help it, I think it's adorable.

10. You will just love me no matter what. I struggle with depression sometimes. Their may be days when I'm off the wall crazy and other days when I'm sobbing uncontrollably because I don't want to live anymore. It can be a bit scary. If you still want to be around me when I'm at my lowest, your a keeper.

I hope this helps people see a little bit more into my brain. And I'm sorry this turned more ranty then I'd hoped. I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling right now, which is a story for another day.

Sorry, but I need to rant real quick.

I really shouldn't have taught myself how to not cry so long ago.

Because now I'm brimming on the edge inside and it has no way to come out.

I'm spiraling. I'm spiraling down into the darkness again and I'm trying to fight it but reality keeps pushing me back down. Nothing hurts more that knowing your loosing your own inner battle, and badly.

The conversations dragging in my head between me and the adversary are never ending.

I have friends.
No you don't. No one really likes you, stop saying that to yourself. People may say it, but its not true. They know who their friends are, and you are not on the top of anyone's list.

People need me.
Ask any of your "buddies", they'll pretend like you've helped them, but you know the truth. They all have a real friend that has helped them, your just a little introvert that thinks she can make a difference. No one really needs you.

There's still hope with him.
He's known you like him for weeks now. He would have done something by now if he even slightly cared about you. And look at yourself, still lonely and miserable. Give up on hope of a happily ever after. It'll never happen to you.

I am beautiful.
Yeah, just keep saying that to yourself. I'm sure no one else notices your zits, your pointy ears, your crooked smile, your always gloomy demeanor, your horrible posture, and your witch nose. No, it's just you.

I. Am. Happy.
I know you'll come crawling back to me as soon as he doesn't talk to you again, or you notice your extra weight, or you don't get noticed by anyone for your hard work. You can't escape me.

Get. Thee. Freaking. Behind. Me. Satan.

I'm TRYING to be happy here. To be content with my life, to move on and overcome this depression instilled in my genetic code. I'm clawing desperately to get out of this hell you've created for me; but you've been so smart as to make that hell in my mind.

I choose to stay. I CHOSE to stay. So why do I keep going back to depression like a drug? My own personal torture?

People come to help pull me out, but then they see something shiny over there so they leave me to fight alone.
Am I really so non important to anyone's happiness? Does anyone really care anymore?

Maybe I'm just having a bad day, and maybe I'm just an emotional teenage girl because "I don't have real feelings yet" and "it's all just a phase", but this hurts. A lot.

And I refuse to be dragged down any further.