What I'm excited for

I'm excited for my own personal love story. For when he gets down on his knee and pours his heart out to me as he asks me to spend eternity with him. I'm excited for kissing and laughing and planning for the big day with my fiancé.

I'm excited for that day. For when I get to kneel at the alter across from him and look into his eyes and fight back tears cause wow he's mine forever. For the lines of familiar faces to talk to when all we want to do is look at each other and wonder how lucky we were to find such a wonderful match. For the first dance as a husband and wife. And for singing with my dad as he tries to not cry cause his baby girl is growing up.

I'm excited to have someone to call husband.

I'm excited for seeing the positive on the pregnancy test for the first time. The tears and laughter and happiness and fear and excitement that follows that.

I'm excited for my growing belly to run into everything. For being teased by my husband for not being able to see my toes or pick up a sock I dropped. For feeling my little person grow and kick and cram my organs into my ribs because it means that they're alive.

I'm excited for rushing to the hospital and yelling at him to speed up cause wow it hurts but him just smiling at me and holding my hand cause he knows I'm just scared.

I'm excited for holding our baby for the first time. All my squeezing his hand has made his sore, but out little baby grabs his finger and he forgets all about his sore hand. We look into each others eyes and can't imagine being any happier.

I'm excited for the sleepless nights. We're miserable because we can't sleep a wink without our baby screaming, but we're laughing from trying to keep each other awake by throwing pillows at each others faces. And we keep falling in love with our little human every time we get to hold them and rock them to sleep.

I'm excited for endless days caring for my little angel. Learning more and more about eternal perspective and patience with each passing day. I'm excited for family dinners, bed time stories, and lullaby's.

I'm excited to see who my little human turns out to be. To see if they have their daddy's face or their mommy's eyes. To see if they have curly or straight hair, pale skin, my nose or his smile, and all the little features that will make them so unique and beautiful. To see if they're brave like I never was, or too shy to be seen. To see if they are kind and if they like princesses or cars or animals.

I'm excited for the tantrums to deal with, the coloring books for church, and the endless cheerios to keep them quiet. The stifled laughter from us parents when they make an outburst at a public event that's really funny, but they can't know that so we have to try to keep a straight face. I'm excited for working as a team with my husband to keep our little toddler in check.

I'm excited for the trips to Disneyland, the screaming when they can't find their toy, and the endless owies that will need my kisses to feel better. The running to the door when daddy comes home, the family nights, and the bedtime routines. The falling more and more in love with my husband every day when I see how wonderful of a dad he is.

I'm excited for the moment I see another positive on that test. And crying from joy as we hold each other and known that we get to go on this crazy roller coaster again.

I'm excited to have the highest title I could ever be blessed with: Mom.

And I'm excited to have my eternal companion by my side as we raise our family together.

Reasons

A few reasons I am really frustrated with myself right now:

-I can never say anything right, and people get offended when I never mean for them to.

-I feel like no one really wants to be around me, so I never call people to hang out. Resulting in me just being frustrated with myself for having no friends.

-I feel like everyone secretly hates me, and only pretends to like me cause I've been leads.

-I can't trust boys. Even if he's a great guy, I still always feel like he'll find a better option.

-Along with the non-trusting thing, I feel like I can never just relax about a boy and trust they'll be loyal or kind. I'm always on edge and heartbroken.

-I feel like everything I say is stupid and drives people away, so I have a feeling of constant regret.

-I feel like I will never be someone's better option and I'll never get married.

-I get jealous super easily when I know there is no reason for me to.

-I talk to myself on a daily basis now. Please tell me this is normal.

-My heart hurts.

I know these are all really flawed thoughts, it's just what I'm feeling right now. And I needed to get it out.

So I wrote a song

I wrote a song for the first time since 9th grade.

And, like, I almost have all the piano cords for it too. And that has never happened.

....What's happening.

Is that what love does to you?
Or a broken heart?
Cause I'm still trying to decide which one it is right now.