Dealing with Death

Death is hard.

Whether it's a Grandparent, a Dog, a friend, a family member, even a pet goldfish.

It's hard.

You have to deal with the fact that you will never see them again.

Never see their smile.

Never hear their voice.

Only look at pictures and videos and try to remember the exact moments that went away all too fast.

Then you have to start to get used to life without them.

Get used to not calling out for them.

Get used to not thinking of them when your lonely.

Get used to the fact that they aren't there anymore.

The next step is starting to get back to your normal life.

Put on a smile.

Say that your fine.

Push down the tears when you remember.

Eventually time passes.

Life goes on.

You miss them, but eventually you stop crying.

But for now, I'm just going to cry.

Cause it's hard.

And I miss them.

Trying to draw inspiration from a brick

This--is a brick.

They're not a very special or sentimental item in any way.

No one proposes with a brick.

Or compliments someone by saying they look like a brick today.

Pretty sure no one collects bricks (then again I could be wrong, weird people out there)

There's no inspiring movies or books about bricks.

A brick hasn't inspired a scientific discovery.

All a brick has ever really done is be part of a wall.

A piece to a puzzle.

No brick being more of a standout than another.

It's kind of an overlooked essential.

A person could propose on a brick wall and never know.

Maybe someone was wearing a brick colored dress that someone thought looked great on them.

A collection of records could be displayed on a brick wall.

There's a song called "One Brick at a Time"

Schools are almost always made of brick somewhere.

Bricks are everywhere and yet when asked to write about them we can't think of anything but why on earth we have to write about a stupid brick.

I'm gonna appreciate bricks a bit more now.

Maybe I'll start a collection.

If Only

This is #stolen. From a Disney song. From Broadway.

But it pretty much sums up my life.

And the lyrics are beautiful. 

"If Only you could know

The things I long to say

If only I could tell you

What I wish I could convey

It's in my ev'ry glance

My heart's an open book

You'd see it all at once

If only you would look"

"If only you could glimpse

The feelings that I feel

If only you would notice

What I'm dying to reveal

The dreams I can't declare

The needs I can't deny

You'd understand them all

If only you would try"

"All my secrets you would learn them

All my longings you'd return them

Then the silence would be broken

Not a word would need be spoken"

"If only it were true

If only for a while"

"If only you would notice

How I ache behind my smile"

"I guess you never will

I guess it doesn't show

But if I never find a way to tell you so

Oh what I would give

If only you could know"

-If Only (Quartet) The Little Mermaid

Have you even just wanted to say something

but couldn't find the words

or the chance

or the will

to say it?

Me too.

-a shy quiet girl

Can't we talk about anything else but love

I'm serious right now.

It seems that I can't turn anywhere right now without being asked what love is.

And I don't freaking know.

I thought I knew.

I thought love was when you first saw someone and thought they were cute.

I thought love was getting the best hugs ever.

I thought love was getting butterflies whenever you knew you were going to see him.

I thought love started when you found out you liked each other.

I thought love was the summer romance that left me in bliss.

I thought love was wondering where love went.

I thought love was betrayal.

I thought love was saying no more.

I thought love was learning to trust again.

I thought love was forgiving over and over again.

I thought love was patience.

I thought love was waiting for him to think of you.

I thought love was the heartbreak of knowing he wouldn't.

I thought love was when he finally did.

I thought love was when he finally got the courage to come to you.

I thought love was agreeing to be his.

I thought love was going on dates and kissing.

I thought love was finally putting the pieces together and being happy.

But maybe it's not.

Maybe love is seeing someone again.

Maybe love is an old friend that has finally come back.

Maybe love is seeing each other everyday.

Maybe love is someone who actually tries to spend time with you.

Maybe love can be a bit too much sometimes.

Maybe love is laughing when all you did was look at their face.

Maybe love is new and exciting.

Maybe love shows they care about you way more than love ever did.

Maybe love is frustrated when they find out your boyfriend never sees you.

Maybe love thinks you deserve more.

Maybe love is supportive anyway.

Maybe love loves you even when you don't love back.

I thought love was knowing who you love.

But maybe that's just what makes love beautiful.

Maybe love is not knowing who you love.

Dance

Recently, I had to make a decision that was really though for me.

I had to quit dance.

I just had too many things going on, and my studio owner wasn't being super flexible with stuff. So I had to quit something that I had been doing since I was eight years old.

And honestly, I didn't think it was going to be that big of a deal.

I though, "Eh, I'll have plenty of opportunities to dance. I won't miss it that much."

Boy was I wrong.

Dance was a way I could escape from the world.

A way I could rant about my day without having to say a word.

A place where I could put all of my energy.

Where I could learn new things about myself.

Where I could challenge myself.

Where I could learn to love myself.

Where I could express myself without being afraid of judgement.

Where I could just be, me.

I've never thought that I was the best dancer. I'm not super flexible and super strong and super everything that a truly spectacular dancer should be.

But that's never what it was about.

It was about the triumph and the failure.

It was about the experience.

The experience of letting your body take over.

Putting on a song that speaks to you and letting your body say what words never have been able to.

Dancing isn't just a hobby.

It's the language of the heart and soul.

And oh do I miss it.

It's not about survival

What is it about humans?

Why do we not just survive? Why do we strive for even more?

I mean, we are technically animals, shouldn't we just try to focus on not dying?

Maybe it's because we're selfish.

Humans have this funny thing where we ignore what we need and go straight for what we want. We're too stubborn to address the essentials sometimes.

Maybe we're just stupid. 

I mean, have you seen that list called the Darwin Awards? They literally give out awards to people that have died, because they died in a magnificently stupid way. Wouldn't that make you feel special.

But seriously, what's up with us? Why are we so different when it comes to survival and life?

Well allow me to attempt to answer that.

I think it's because humans always strive for more than what we are. 

We don't just want to exist, we want to LIVE.

We want to experience having a best friend even though it may mean loosing one.

We want to experience school even though it may mean failure.

We want to experience love even though it may mean heartbreak in the end.

We want to experience fear

and laughter

and despair

and rebellion

and happiness

and hate

and pure joy.

HUMANS are willing to sacrifice survival for the chance to LIVE

and be MORE than just "human"

You wanna know what sucks

You wanna know what really sucks?


Having a boyfriend that never makes time for you.

A best friend that you feel like is never working for you, but against you.

Pretending to be happy so that people won't worry about you too much.

Being sick more in three months then you have ever been in your whole life.

Hating soda; because it's the only thing that people ever bring to parties and your stuck there drinking water.

Being known as the quiet girl; because no one ever wants to be friends with the quiet girl.

Feeling like everyone hates you.

Feeling like you hate everyone.

Not being hipster enough for the blogs.

Being in depression just when crap decides to hit the fan in your life.

Having to move twice in one year.

Being terrified of kissing.

Feeling like your family doesn't really want you around.

Having a sick feeling come over you whenever you have to think about your future after graduation.

Having writers block.



Feeling like you will never be good enough.



Oh and let's not forget always focusing on the negative; like making a list of things that suck.

Potential of Crayons

I must say, I really like crayons.

That is until they break and your stuck coloring with a stupid crayon. Anyways.

Crayons are pretty cool, because they can be whatever you want.

Let's say, you start with blue.

Blue is just blue. But think of all the things that are blue. The ocean, a blue bird, the sky; then all the things that could be blue, like a mailbox or a house or the color of someone's eyes.

Blue can be turned into something that everyone will recognize like a boat; but it can also be turned into something that you only recognize like a blob that is supposed to look like Beyonce.

Blue is just blue until you decide to make it something better than just a color. 

Crayons are like words.

Words can be formed to express whatever the heck you want, just like a drawing. Words can form simple sentences like "I like cats", but also form works of art like the complete works of William Shakespeare.

You can form words so that everyone can understand what they mean, or form them so only you can know what they mean.

Words are just words, until you decide to make them something better.