So I wrote a song

I wrote a song for the first time since 9th grade.

And, like, I almost have all the piano cords for it too. And that has never happened.

....What's happening.

Is that what love does to you?
Or a broken heart?
Cause I'm still trying to decide which one it is right now.

You're the Reason

You're the reason

Why I get butterflies in my stomach

and brain

and heart

and basically everywhere

just by being near you.

You're the reason

Why I start smiling and giggling for no reason

and sometimes it's really embarrassing

because I'm walking down a hallway alone

or taking a test

or driving

and people don't normally smile when they do that

You're the reason

Why I start blushing against my will

by you just saying small, insignificant things

that remind me that you care

you just can't care too much, yet.

You're the reason

Why I'm trying to write this poem

this scatter-brained mess of a poem

that tries to explain how you make me feel

but I can't quite put sunshine into words.

You're the reason

Why I sing along to sappy love songs at the top of my lungs

dance like an idiot in my room

and try to play the piano like I know what I'm doing

Cause words alone aren't enough

You're the reason

Why skies don't seem quite as grey

flowers seem twice as beautiful

and eyes seem much more trustworthy then ever before

I just wanted you to know, you're the reason

and you're the best reason I could hope for.

21 Months

I remember the first time I saw you.

It was callbacks for Fiddler on the Roof. I saw you and thought you had to be Fyedka cause you were super attractive and Fyedka has to be attractive.

You were Perchik though, so I guess that worked too.

I remember I was really upset I wasn't a lead cause I thought no one would want to be my friend. But  I said something sarcastic and you got down on your knee and I was still sarcastic and denied your hand. I think I surprised you, cause after that you would always offer your hand to me.

I remember the first day I accepted it. We were backstage for a dress rehearsal. I finally gave you my hand and you kissed it. I'd never had a boy be so flirty and bold with me before. Then that became our thing for a while. You'd always offer for my hand, and you would always kiss it. That is when I started to fall in love with you.

I remember when we had to change the blocking. I would already almost cry cause I thought you would hit your head. And then the new guy did it, and you almost hit your head. Hard. My heart stopped at the thought of you being hurt.

I remember when you started to have a panic attack backstage. Your hands were shaking, and I got extremely worried, even though you told me it was nothing. I got my DoTerra oils and put them on your neck and hands, and stayed by your side until you calmed down. You later told me that was the moment you started to love me.

I remember the cast party. We were playing "if you love me smile", which I normally suck at. But when you slid up on your knees and said it in Spanish, I was somehow able to keep a straight face. Even though I blushed bright red. I remember your face, full of surprise and wonder at me. I think I impressed you. You gave me your number when you signed my script.

I remember 2 months after the show, when I hadn't seen you in so long. All my friends had just gotten into productions, except for me. I remember sobbing, trying to hold myself together, and realizing the only thing that I wanted was your arms around me. A Parker hug.

I remember Parker hugs.

I remember texting when you were in Vegas. You were texting Andra at the same time, and she asked you about your cast crush. I remember how she started squealing and told him that I needed to ask him. I remember I did, and it was me. And you were mine (besides Hootie, but everyone was in love with him.) I remember texting till you fell asleep.

I remember not being able to sleep from smiling too much.

I remember trying to hang out for months. Your parents wouldn't let you cause you weren't 16 till June, but it was ok. I could wait. I remember finally being able to hang out and ending up walking to my old elementary school. I remember that is started raining but we stayed outside anyways. I remember you took my hand, but you didn't kiss it this time, you just pulled me closer and started leading me.

I remember dancing in the rain.

I remember auditioning for Aladdin. We had talked about it for months, and it was finally cast. You were Aladdin, I was Jasmine. It was double cast, so it could have not been us, but somehow we ended up in the same cast. We ended up together.

I remember the perfect summer. Singing together on a magic carpet ride. Living a literal Disney fantasy every day for 2 months. I remember having to sing a solo and looking at you off stage the whole time. I remember the day that Ryan asked if I'd be willing to kiss you on stage. I said yes. If I was going to have to kiss anyone on stage, I'm glad it was you.

I remember falling in love with you.

I remember school starting, and not being able to talk to you as much. You'd never answer your texts. I remember being terrified cause I hadn't talked to you in a month. I remember the day that my friend came up to me and told me that she had been talking to you for weeks.

I remember that day all too clearly.
The day she said "I'm so sorry", the day I found out that I wasn't your whole world, the day that I called you a two-timing son of a B, the day that I cried because my fairytale was ending.

I remember you pretending like nothing happened. And I remember telling you I couldn't let this slide. I remember not talking to you for 3 months.

I remember still loving you. Despite having a broken heart.

I remember not being able to take it anymore. I remember not caring what had happened, I couldn't live without you. I remember that conversation. I remember giving you another chance.

I remember starting to talk again. I remember still rarely going on dates, but being able to know what was going on was nice.

I remember getting to the summer and wondering why I still never saw you. I remember being in two different shows. I remember you getting into an accident on your way to my show, and me blaming myself every day for your PTSD after it.

I remember seeing your show twice.
I remember you asking me to be yours in the basement of the Hale.
And our first real kiss.

I remember being "official" for 3 months. I remember watching movies and playing board games. I remember kissing. A lot. And you whispering "I love you" and "I'm yours" between kisses.

I remember telling you that you might loose me soon.

I remember spending more time with you, didn't make me love you more. It made me wonder if I had fallen in love with someone over text, and not in person.
But even when people would tell me you weren't good for me, I remember feeling like something wasn't finished.

I remember the night when I knew it was finished. When the spirit finally tapped me on the shoulder and told me it was time.

I remember breaking up with you on your favorite holiday.
Sorry about that.

But you know what? After I broke up with you, I realized a few things.

I remember when you didn't ever wish me a happy birthday. Ever.

I remember you not talking to me on Valentine's Day.

I remember feeling blamed for a lot of your problems. Including when you wouldn't eat.

I remember you never asking if I was ok, only ever talking about how horrible your life is. I don't think you ever really knew I have depression.

I remember when you cheated on me with a friend you met through me. And I was stupid enough to forgive you and think you'd change.

I remember that when I was having a lesson on abusive relationships, I realized that a lot of the warning signs seemed a little to familiar.
And brushing it off.

I remember the hard times.

And I remember getting over you.

I realized, though, that I never really got to say goodbye to the good times. The times that made me fall in love with you.

So here I am. Finally saying goodbye.
To 21 months.
90 weeks.
630 days.
15,120 hours.
907,200 minutes.
54,432,000 seconds.
Spent with my heart belonging to you.

Goodbye Parker.
And thanks for the hugs.

Warning: Depressing Rant Ahead

I'm sorry, but I just can't take it anymore.

I'm done pretending to be happy.

I'm done having everyone think I'm the pretty princess who gets all the leads and has the cutest boy and is super smart and she has no reason to be sad because her life is perfect. I mean, she has good health. Her family is in tact. She has fantastic friends. She has no reason to be sad. 

Her 

life

 is 

perfect.

I'm going to start off with how much I hate the word perfect.

My ex-boyfriend called me that all the time.

At the same time I felt like I was being blamed for him skipping all 3 meals that day.

I'm sorry, I just hate that word. I am far from it. The only person who is, is Christ. And I have definitely not achieved that level.

New requirement of my future husband: Knows that I am not perfect.

Now let's talk about my supposed "perfect" life.

I'm the pretty princess.

Did you know that no one at my job talks to me?

They hang out and have princess parties and all go to BYU and are super close.

Except for me. 

I feel so left out every day because they post their text conversations and pictures of them all over our Facebook group and I have yet to be in any of them. Not to mention plan hanging out after a gig without me. Right in front of my face.

I'm the lonely princess.

Gets all the leads.

Because of my "looks".

All that I ever hear when I get off stage is "you are just so pretty" or "oh you are so cute up there" or even worse they use the p word and I want to punch them in the face. 

"I don't know why your upset, you were good"

"You have no reason to be upset, at least you had a part."

Quick lesson: Leads don't bring you happiness.

I'm not kidding when I say I can't watch videos of myself without cringing. I think I'm pretty dang horrible, to tell the truth. The only leads I'm slightly proud of are Gabriella and Jasmine, and even then I cringe at some parts. Not to mention I still look incredibly awkward. I literally don't understand how people think I'm good.

Getting leads always just ends up getting me more enemies and making my friends mad at me.

I may get "all the leads", but I regret all the leads.

Has the cutest boy

If one more person asks if we're together, I swear.

For goodness sake, I'm falling in love with this boy, and he's climbing away from me.

I've really never had this happen. Usually the more I hang out with a person, the less I like them.

But with him, it's just getting worse. 

I know he doesn't want a high school relationship. I know that. I don't want that for him either.

Cause I know that they suck, and I don't want that to be his memory of me.

But it just hurts so much knowing that I am so close, and that he won't chase after me.

If I left, he would think of it as a blessing. Not a lost-love.

Had the cutest boy.

Super smart.

I used to only be known as "smart girl" in my math classes because I never got a question wrong.

Literally, 100% on all of my tests freaky smart girl.

And I literally didn't even have to try.

I'm kind of having an identity crisis. Because I used to be the one people were begging to have help them, and now I'm begging for help to graduate high school.

Goodbye 4.0. And perfect attendance. Now I'm just a stupid high school-er.

Oh and you know how I mentioned all the pretty princesses go to BYU? Secret confession, I would have killed to go to BYU. But since my depression knocked my grades out so much, I thought it would just be better to not apply then go through the heartache of not going to my dream school. All because of my last 2 years out of 13. Dear depression, I hate you. You cost me my future.

Sort of smart.

I'm not happy. There. I said it. I have fleeting moments of laughter and friends and maybe love that make it bearable, but I always go back. I really can't take it. And I can't take the fact that I have to pretend to be happy to keep my friends, because no one wants who I really am. A gloomy girl with no will to live. 

I have to keep pretending for the sake of everyone else.

But I'm so done.

Someone

Ok, I have a confession my friends.

I like someone.

Someone I really can't like. Someone that I know people will judge me for liking. Someone that...

Someone that makes me genuinely happy.
Someone who I can keep up a conversation with (and that NEVER happens).
Someone I feel like wants to be around me.
Someone I could see being my best friend.
Someone I can laugh with. Someone I could have a conversation about the gospel with.
Someone who knows who they are and what they stand for and won't change their values for anything.
Someone who will just hold me and laugh and ignore my awkwardness, cause they don't know what they're doing either. Someone who actually listens to me and cares about what I have to say.

Someone that I could love.

Someone who's a sophomore.

Of course, my senior year, I have to fall for someone I can't be with because they aren't even old enough to date. This is just sad. #worstseniorever.

But, I've never met someone who can make me feel so happy and, well, special. Just by being around them.

I have realized something though.

Is something like a grade in high school going to stop me from pursuing what will make me happy?
Am I going to choose anyone over them just because they're closer to my age? Heck to the no. There is no one else anymore. Just my someone.

I've decided to take the path that will make me happy.
Even though it may be a bit hard.

I've decided to be brave.
I've decided to be brave for my someone.
I've decided to not be scared of what others will think of me.

I've decided to leap.

And pray someone will catch me.

10 qualities of a keeper

I wanted to write this, because a lot of people think I like the people I do only because their talented and/or hot.

Well, thank you people, for thinking I am so shallow. I know who you are.

While some of those things may be true, if you think that's really what I like someone for, you are very wrong.

So I'm going to write a few of the reasons why I fall for people, a list of things I look for. This may turn very ranty and unpoetic, but just bear with me. This is a kind of, dream characteristic list. If you have some or all of these traits, then I fall in love with you.

1. Your passionate about something. Sure you may be talented, but when you perform it's not cause you want to. You NEED to. It's not so much as to show off as it is your form of happiness and peace. I can tell the difference, and I only love it when it is coming directly from your soul. I've always hated a show off.

2. You have a testimony. Nothing is more attractive then a guy who will maintain his standards at all times and places, even if he gets laughed at by his friends for it.

3. I want someone who will be my best friend, not someone who will text me every two seconds telling me how much they desperately love and need me. Someone who will joke with me, bring me ice cream and let me cry, tell me stories cause they thought of me first, cuddle and tickle me because they love to make me laugh. Someone who will be there to pick me up when I'm down, like a best friend should. If your more of a friend first, I'll be even more in love with you.

4. You can't have the same awkwardness as me on some levels. I'm super-extremely awkward, so I've got enough for the both of us. If you will hug me first, grab my hand first, and not make me feel awkward if I mess up where my hands go when you cuddle me or grab your hand awkwardly, then bless you. I need someone who knows how to do that, cause heaven knows I don't.

5. Someone who knows what to do to cheer me up. Maybe I just need to talk, maybe I need a good cuddle and a movie, or maybe I need to feel loved. You will sometimes have to figure out which one of those make me happiest, cause sometimes I don't even know.

6. Someone who loves family. Someone who fits in with mine, gets along well with theirs, and definitely someone who loves to play with kids. Super attractive trait. If that is you, you just got a lot of points.

7. You respect when I need you there and when I don't. Sometimes I need alone time, and sometimes I need "don't ever let me go" time. If I ask for one or the other, you need to love me enough to understand why I need it either way.

8. You who will be a dork with me. When I'm alone, I have crazy dance/singing parties in my room. I need someone who will be just as crazy as me and not laugh at me for messing up a move or falling on my face or kicking a table (ok maybe they can laugh a little, cause it happens a lot).

9. A laugh I can fall in love with. I've always noticed peoples laughs for some reason, I think they really define a person. If you have a real laugh that just bursts out and you can't help it, I think it's adorable.

10. You will just love me no matter what. I struggle with depression sometimes. Their may be days when I'm off the wall crazy and other days when I'm sobbing uncontrollably because I don't want to live anymore. It can be a bit scary. If you still want to be around me when I'm at my lowest, your a keeper.

I hope this helps people see a little bit more into my brain. And I'm sorry this turned more ranty then I'd hoped. I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling right now, which is a story for another day.

Sorry, but I need to rant real quick.

I really shouldn't have taught myself how to not cry so long ago.

Because now I'm brimming on the edge inside and it has no way to come out.

I'm spiraling. I'm spiraling down into the darkness again and I'm trying to fight it but reality keeps pushing me back down. Nothing hurts more that knowing your loosing your own inner battle, and badly.

The conversations dragging in my head between me and the adversary are never ending.

I have friends.
No you don't. No one really likes you, stop saying that to yourself. People may say it, but its not true. They know who their friends are, and you are not on the top of anyone's list.

People need me.
Ask any of your "buddies", they'll pretend like you've helped them, but you know the truth. They all have a real friend that has helped them, your just a little introvert that thinks she can make a difference. No one really needs you.

There's still hope with him.
He's known you like him for weeks now. He would have done something by now if he even slightly cared about you. And look at yourself, still lonely and miserable. Give up on hope of a happily ever after. It'll never happen to you.

I am beautiful.
Yeah, just keep saying that to yourself. I'm sure no one else notices your zits, your pointy ears, your crooked smile, your always gloomy demeanor, your horrible posture, and your witch nose. No, it's just you.

I. Am. Happy.
I know you'll come crawling back to me as soon as he doesn't talk to you again, or you notice your extra weight, or you don't get noticed by anyone for your hard work. You can't escape me.

Get. Thee. Freaking. Behind. Me. Satan.

I'm TRYING to be happy here. To be content with my life, to move on and overcome this depression instilled in my genetic code. I'm clawing desperately to get out of this hell you've created for me; but you've been so smart as to make that hell in my mind.

I choose to stay. I CHOSE to stay. So why do I keep going back to depression like a drug? My own personal torture?

People come to help pull me out, but then they see something shiny over there so they leave me to fight alone.
Am I really so non important to anyone's happiness? Does anyone really care anymore?

Maybe I'm just having a bad day, and maybe I'm just an emotional teenage girl because "I don't have real feelings yet" and "it's all just a phase", but this hurts. A lot.

And I refuse to be dragged down any further.