What I've learned

Life doesn't exactly get better, but it does it easier.

Cherish your friends, cause you'll regret every grudge when they leave.

Love sucks.

Don't kiss boys.

Being alone isn't so crushing once you're used to it.

High school doesn't matter.

Other people's opinions don't matter.

You won't die if you don't go to college.

Accept who you are, and love yourself.

Find what makes you happy.

Don't give up.

Realize that every day is important.



Now buckle up, you've got work to do. 

Ok

I'm just going to pretend like that didn't hurt a lot and that everything is ok.

Confession

I have a bit of a confession.

You know how I'm terrified of kissing? Yeah, I really am. Like it freaks me out a lot.

But I really miss it sometimes.

Even though the one person I've really kissed turned out to be a jerk and a player, it doesn't take away from the fact that for that moment I was the most important thing in his life. And I really miss that.

And I don't just want to kiss anyone. Not just a stage kiss, and not just a "one time" thing, either.

I want someone that I love to hold me and cherish me, and that is what kissing is to me. It's saying to that person that you wouldn't rather be anywhere else but there in their arms.

And I don't just want a quick peck on the lips either. I want a real kiss. One that is soft and lingers. One that is filled with passion and love, not just lust and desire.

I want someone to kiss me cause they think it's cute that I blush through my pale skin.
I want someone to kiss me when I'm in the middle of ranting about my day cause they can't wait to show me they still love me.
I want someone to kiss me cause they can't stand it when I say I don't think I'm pretty and they can't wait to show me they think I'm beautiful.
I want someone to kiss me because they don't ever want me to hide my smile when I laugh ever again.
I want someone to kiss me when I'm smiling because they love it more than I ever will.
I want someone to just grab me and kiss me because they love me so much they would burst if they didn't.

Every time I have another stage kiss or loose hope with another boy I just keep remembering that I'm no where near my happily ever after. Then I loose faith that it'll ever happen and I just end up crying because I'm so lost.

I just need a prince to come and kiss me awake. I just hope I'm not cursed to sleep forever.

I promised

I promised.

I promised myself I wouldn't fall for you again.

Haven't I learned from the last time, or the time before that?

You don't care for me.
I shouldn't care for you.

But I do.

I'm yelling at myself everyday to stop it, but I literally see you and your stupid face every day. So it never really works.

Especially with her now.

You care for her. It's clear. And she cares for you. She honestly does.
And I wouldn't dare step in the way of what makes you truly happy.

Cause I know it's not me.

And that's ok.

Because I promised.

Replaceable me

I'm a decent person.

Like, there's some days that I look in the mirror and I think sure, I guess someone could want to be around me. I'm a good friend. I can be cute sometimes. I'm somewhat funny.

I'm a decent person.

But then, do you ever just get around that group of people that make you feel lower than dirt?
All interactions with them are fake, empty promises.
You feel pitied, not loved.
You know there would be no difference if you weren't there.
Embraceable, but replaceable.

Embraceable, replaceable me.
That seems to be the pattern my life is taking.
People hang around me for the idea of me.
A girl who got a lot of leads.
A girl who can somewhat sing.
A girl who can dance on a good day.
A girl who can even be cute sometimes.
And then they completely ignore me once their done.

I'm an accessory. Not a person to them.

The words of Jane Eyre come to mind.

"Do you think I am an automaton? A machine without feelings?....Do you think that because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! I have as much soul as you, and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty, and much wealth, I would make it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you."

Preach it sister.

I'm just poor, obscure, plain, little me.
Used and thrown aside too many times.
Having to make decisions to leave, that people will never notice cause they didn't care that I was there.

Have fun without me.
I'm sick of feeling replaceable.

Option

His necklace is now in the memory box cause that's all he is now.

A memory.

I never wore it cause I was "his", I wore it because it gave me hope.
A glimpse of how someone could actually care about me.
A reminder that someone was thankful for me.
A reminder that now stings too much to wear around my neck.

I'm just an option.
Not option 1 or 4.
More like 47.
Just an option.
That is no one's selection.

People go through phases of thinking they want option 47, but then they always find option 48 and she's always better.
I'm just a phase.
A number.
A face.

Not me.

And why would anyone ever settle for option 47 when there's 100 others just like me.
But less depressed.
More fun to be around.
Prettier smile.
More adventurous and witty.
And smart enough to get into BYU.

I've been in so many reject piles.
And I've just been added to another one.
Sealed with a big fat "NO".

If anyone wants to search through the garbage and find option 47, go for it.
Cause she's tired of crawling through the darkness to get back out.

What I'm excited for

I'm excited for my own personal love story. For when he gets down on his knee and pours his heart out to me as he asks me to spend eternity with him. I'm excited for kissing and laughing and planning for the big day with my fiancé.

I'm excited for that day. For when I get to kneel at the alter across from him and look into his eyes and fight back tears cause wow he's mine forever. For the lines of familiar faces to talk to when all we want to do is look at each other and wonder how lucky we were to find such a wonderful match. For the first dance as a husband and wife. And for singing with my dad as he tries to not cry cause his baby girl is growing up.

I'm excited to have someone to call husband.

I'm excited for seeing the positive on the pregnancy test for the first time. The tears and laughter and happiness and fear and excitement that follows that.

I'm excited for my growing belly to run into everything. For being teased by my husband for not being able to see my toes or pick up a sock I dropped. For feeling my little person grow and kick and cram my organs into my ribs because it means that they're alive.

I'm excited for rushing to the hospital and yelling at him to speed up cause wow it hurts but him just smiling at me and holding my hand cause he knows I'm just scared.

I'm excited for holding our baby for the first time. All my squeezing his hand has made his sore, but out little baby grabs his finger and he forgets all about his sore hand. We look into each others eyes and can't imagine being any happier.

I'm excited for the sleepless nights. We're miserable because we can't sleep a wink without our baby screaming, but we're laughing from trying to keep each other awake by throwing pillows at each others faces. And we keep falling in love with our little human every time we get to hold them and rock them to sleep.

I'm excited for endless days caring for my little angel. Learning more and more about eternal perspective and patience with each passing day. I'm excited for family dinners, bed time stories, and lullaby's.

I'm excited to see who my little human turns out to be. To see if they have their daddy's face or their mommy's eyes. To see if they have curly or straight hair, pale skin, my nose or his smile, and all the little features that will make them so unique and beautiful. To see if they're brave like I never was, or too shy to be seen. To see if they are kind and if they like princesses or cars or animals.

I'm excited for the tantrums to deal with, the coloring books for church, and the endless cheerios to keep them quiet. The stifled laughter from us parents when they make an outburst at a public event that's really funny, but they can't know that so we have to try to keep a straight face. I'm excited for working as a team with my husband to keep our little toddler in check.

I'm excited for the trips to Disneyland, the screaming when they can't find their toy, and the endless owies that will need my kisses to feel better. The running to the door when daddy comes home, the family nights, and the bedtime routines. The falling more and more in love with my husband every day when I see how wonderful of a dad he is.

I'm excited for the moment I see another positive on that test. And crying from joy as we hold each other and known that we get to go on this crazy roller coaster again.

I'm excited to have the highest title I could ever be blessed with: Mom.

And I'm excited to have my eternal companion by my side as we raise our family together.